2016. That means it has been TWENTY YEARS since I graduated from high school. How on earth is this even possible - especially since I could swear yesterday was 2003?! But, as I'm learning it does, time just keeps moving on and on, faster and faster. So, before we get too far into this new year, I'll take a quick minute to reflect on the last months of 2015.
The Sweetest Things of 2015, Q4...
Spilling the Secret...though Lindsay and I found out that we were expecting a fourth child in mid-August, we keep the news to ourselves for the first few months. We were still taking in the shocking information; I was feeling pretty sick; and we just weren't ready to spread the word, Particularly with our girls, I thought it would be better to tell them once we knew the baby's gender. With all three of my other pregnancies, I had zero desire to find out the gender prior to the birth. But, with number four, the baby in and of itself was such a surprise, that I didn't think I could handle anymore surprises!  So, pretty much from the moment I went #1 on that stick, I was dying to know if a little he or she would be joining our crew. At my twelve week ultrasound, the doctor told me that he was 70-80% sure that we were having 'another female'. Now, I won't pretend that this information was exactly what I wanted to hear, and I did not share the speculation with Lindsay. I knew that it wasn't conclusive and waited {utterly impatiently} to get a phone call with the official results that would come via chromosomal blood testing. The much anticipated phone call never came, but, when I randomly checked my phone at an extra long stop light on our way to gymnastics, I did see an email pop up from the doctor's office. I quickly opened it (not kidding, the light was like three minutes long), and saw this.

Now, a lot of this made no sense to me, 

but one line jumped out and really couldn't be misunderstood:

Two Sex Chromosomes: XY Male

Remember, I was in the car with my three children who did not even know I was pregnant, so containing my emotion was both important and {extremely}difficult. Once I'd made a few phone calls verifying that I did, in fact, know what I was reading, I made plans to share the news with Lindsay that we were going to have a son. He didn't even know that I'd gotten the results, so he was doubly shocked when I presented him with a precious little boy's outfit that evening. The next day, we told the girls in a super, sweet way. 

Jumping for joy for a new baby boy.

Carter cried, wept, tears of joy for nearly half an hour. She told us how she had prayed to God to give her a brother (would have been nice if she'd let us in on her request...). Murphy was both excited and unsure; and Wright was just caught caught up in all the excitement. We let the girls FaceTime to share the news with grandparents, and then the story went 'public'. It's been so fun watching them share the news with important people in their lives. Wright walked into school the next morning with her chest puffed out telling her teachers that Mommy had a baby brother in her belly. Watching their excitement grow and hearing their interesting questions over the past few months has been a fun, new component of this pregnancy. 

Sweet angel.

Twenty week ultrasound. Boy status verified. 

Five Going on Twenty-Five...on October 3 our Murphy turned five, but in planning the birthday celebration, I felt as if I was planning a party for a girlfriend turning 25! Her gift requests? High heels and new makeup. Her idea of a party? Her favorite fella joining her for cake and a 'limo full of candy'. 

Loaf of pretzel bread for her birthday breakfast. It's her tradition.

Despite suggestions of celebrating with a party and lots of friends, Miss Mature was pretty set on her plan, so we went with it. She and I had a ball shopping together for a dress fit for such an event, and when her date showed up at our front door, hair parted just so and rose in hand, we both melted. 

She said the rose was her favorite birthday gift.

A quick happy birthday song and cake before heading off in the limo.

Simple design by the birthday girl.

Photo opp.

They're all so cute. I could die. 

Buckets of candy and Willy Wonka viewing awaited in the 'elmo', as Wright called it.

Even when he's goofy, she's a smitten kitten.

Cheers to the birthday girl.

She'll drink to that.

The limo took the crew to Disney on Ice.

They were mostly interested in choosing a souvenir and heading back to the limo.

Just a couple weeks after she turned 25 5, Murphy and I went on a special, school-night date to her first concert: T Swift. 

All dressed up and somewhere super special to go.

Mid-song makeup touch-up. Well, of course.

And, proving that this little miniature woman stays ever true to who she is, I couldn't stop smiling when I pulled this paper out of her backpack a couple days later.

That's right.

She uses her muscles when she puts on makeup.

Also?

Her favorite part about Halloween this year: her eyeliner.

Growing Goofball...the phrase, 'What would we laugh about if we didn't have Wright?' has come out of both my mouth and the girls' mouths many times over the past few months. The kid keeps us laughing with her constant antics and silly nature. She went from straight up potty refusal to fully day and night potty trained in just a couple days of Daddy's potty boot camp and was excited to 'head' to Michael's for a little reward.

A styrofoam head. Obviously.

The baby turned three on October 28.

Standing proudly in front of her school.

Still working on letting the thumb hold the pinkie.

All dress up. All the time.

She had her first dentist appointment

AND her first taste of Pop Rocks.

She is often a source of contention between her big sisters.

Everybody wants a piece of the goofy one.

Though she is quick to point out, tiny finger raised, that she enjoys mac-and-cheese, yogurt milk, frozen yogurt, and grilled cheese, 

She continues to be the pickiest - and most STUBBORN! - eater I've ever known.

Many mealtimes leave her plate untouched and her lips pooched at missing out on dessert.

She takes bossiness to a whole other level, which is saying a LOT in this house, and not only instructs all of us on what to say, but how to say it as well! Her kisses are still hard to come by, though she does enjoy giving us an unexpected lick here and there. 

Like biggest sis, she's fearless and coordinated.

And like big sis, she enjoys dressing up and sitting pretty.

I'm so excited to see how the little one will take on the role of big sister and relinquish the role of baby. She says that baby brother will be the boy baby and she'll be the girl baby, and that's just fine with me.

QT with Loved Ones...the last three months of the year allowed for several opportunities to spend time with those we love the most - far and wide! Early October brought an unplanned family gathering as we came together to honor the life of Grandma Margie.

Sweetest little great grands. Missing a few.

Most of the Bowman family.

In late October, we spent a weekend in a mountain cabin - getting away from the hustle and bustle of life at home and catching up with our favorite family.

Wright and Emerson, born 27 days apart.

Cohen and Murphy, cutest lil faces.

We took in fall activities like the pumpkin patch and corn maze and enjoyed meals together and general catching up.

Quite a crew!

Thanksgiving took us to Tulsa where we had the chance to spend time with both Pops and Misha and lots of extended family.

I did say lots.

Among that bunch was this trio of Braly cuties.

Miss this fam so much.

Carter, Aunt Kiki, and Kevin.

And one with Murph.

As always, I took far too few pics of our time in Tulsa, AND we even missed out on our annual trip to see the Utica Santa, nevertheless a sweet time with family was had by all. The week after Thanksgiving, we came together to see Carter hit the 'stage' for her roles in The Stone in the Road. As a second grader, she's in an acting class for third through fifth graders, and it was so fun to see her really step up her game. She did a fantastic job of memorizing her lines and getting into her characters.

As Nico, a boy assistant.

As a retired fortune teller.

Family fan club.

Schmidly cousin cheerleaders.

Their presence was a sweet reminder of how blessed 

we feel to have these guys 'right down the street'.

The Christmas season brought many annual traditions and opportunities to spend time with family and friends.

Life Group Christmas party.

Love making memories with these people.

The girls at Christmas Eve Lunch with the Schmidlys.

Extra sweet this year having Aunt Suzie {and Uncle Charles}visiting from Arkansas.

Christmas with the Busicks.

This picture is EXTRA special as it's the first EVER of its kind: 

Nanny, Pa, and all their grands.

Sunny Getaway Courtesy of Santa...our girls were kind of funny this year when it came to Christmas gifts: they really didn't want anything! Carter said she 'didn't want to be greedy'; Murphy said more toys would be 'too much to clean up'; and Wright's only request was a Darth Vader sleeping bag. This was not a bad situation for us, or Santa!, really. Things got interesting when Murphy began asking Santa for a trip to the beach. Hmmmm... a beach trip over winter 'break'. This could work out in everyone's best interest, and Murphy had been awfully good this year. So, our elf, Dolly, got busy researching, and when Christmas morning arrived, the stockings were filled with wetsuits and a note explaining that we'd all be heading to Hammock Beach Resort on the Sunday after Christmas! Lindsay and I agree that car trips with our girls are almost like 'dates' for the two of us: the kiddos watch movies and keep each other entertained, and he and I can actually have adult conversations. We arrived at Hammock Beach just after 5:00 on Sunday - just in time for dinner, unpacking, and a nighttime swim for the two big girls.

Precious sister love.

The view from our balcony. Not bad for December.

The next morning, we slept in and then got geared up for a day of sand and salt and fun.

The girls agreed to a quick pic before heading out.

Notice Wrighty with her signature finger point.

Baby brother and I quite enjoyed our view for the day.

The weather was a gorgeous 80+ degrees, 

but the ocean was still much too cold for us wimpy grownups.

Day one included nearly seven hours of ocean and pool fun. We headed up to our suite as sunset neared, had nice, warm bubble baths, and ordered room service for dinner.

Wright entertained herself with her pet puppy and a doll umbrella.

These two were tuckered out from all the day's fun.

Day two was pretty much a duplicate of day one: beach, pool, beach again, baths, room service. 

They loved exploring these rocks that were formed from lots of shells.

Wright was in on all the action.

All the girls were so stoked to enjoy the water slide.

And I was pretty bummed that I needed to skip out due to the little one I'm growing.

Daddy and the tiny one.

On Wednesday we headed to the pool for a few final hours of fun before hitting the road.

Requested a photo of her silly faces.

When we finally got ready to head for home early afternoon on Wednesday, I realized that this was the first time any of us had worn something besides a swimsuit or pajamas since we'd arrived! 

Could have only packed these dresses and saved a lot of suitcase space!

Murphy, and Santa, knew this trip was just what the Lewellen family needed. We all had a wonderful time of being together and breathing in that salt air. The girls got along quite well, as did their Mommy and Daddy - HA! With the upcoming addition to our family, it's hard to say when we'll get to take such a trip again, and this was a great one to get us through! 

That wraps up the Sweetest Things of the last quarter of a year that brought a bigger surprise than we could have imagined. We lived a lot of life in 2015 are excited about all that lies ahead in the new year.

Reminiscing, Reflecting, and Remembering: Goodbye, Grandma Margie

Yesterday morning, in the cold, dreary rain that followed Halloween evening and the end of daylight savings time, I set out on a drive to Greensboro. In my 37 years, I've made countless trips to Greensboro, and 90% of them were either for the purpose of or included a visit with my Grandma Margie. Yesterday, though, the drive was different: its purpose did include her, but it was to say a final goodbye. Even as I sit here, type those words, I still can't fully comprehend that she's really gone. Forever gone. This post is not an attempt to turn a human into a saint posthumously; she had her faults (as we all do), but, in my life, her strengths far outweighed her short-comings. I guess I just assumed she would always would be here.
Grandma Margie was a fixture in my life for as long as I can remember. And, even as family dynamics changed, her presence was always there.

Grandma Margie with a little me at my christening. 

She called me her 'angel baby'. 

Celebrating Easter with her when I was three or four. 

Blowing bubbles with Grandma - even my girls have memories of doing this with her.

Here she is sitting in a tiny chair in my early childhood room just watching me play.

She had such a way of getting down to my level and making whatever I was doing feel important.

Grandma giving me a quick adjustment at my Aunt Holley's wedding.

I was so proud to be the flower girl.

A cherished picture.

Me along with my parents, both of my grandmothers, and both of my great-grandmothers.

I love this picture of her, also taken at my Aunt Holley's wedding.

Blurry, but I adore this picture from Christmas morning when I was four.

She always dressed to impress and when I questioned her about it, she replied,

"Some ladies just don't look good in pants," and I never saw her wear a pair.

And this one is my favorite.

So happy to be snuggled on her lap while she was chatting with the grown-ups.

I think she understood me in a way that many didn't because she was an only child like me.

I had the privilege, so rare these days, of having both of my grandmothers living into my adulthood, and I had a close relationship with both of them. There was, however, a distinct difference in my relationship with Grandma Sumner (my mom's mom) and Grandma Margie (my father's mom). Grandma Sumner was like a second mom, a caretaker, at times even a disciplinarian. I adored her, and her passing just after I graduated from college has affected me to this day. Grandma Margie and I had a different relationship: times with her during my growing up years were special, purposed, intentional.

Grandma Margie exposed me to experiences I would have never had otherwise. She took me to see live shows like Oliver! and Cats and The Nutcracker, and I loved getting dressed up for our special dates. We'd grab a bite to eat at Swenson's beforehand, and I was so mesmerized by the toy train that circled the track by the ceiling. Afterwards I would spend the night at her apartment, and she'd always sleep with me in the second twin bed in the guest room. In the mornings she'd make me cheese toast for breakfast, and I still love it to this day. My favorite part of our sleepovers, hands down, was when she'd read me the book Eloise. She read it with the most expressive voice (that I can clearly hear to this day) and never skipped a single word. {If you know how long the book is, you'll appreciate that fact!} I so deeply regret never taking that book along when I'd visit her with my girls - how I wish she could have read it to them.

One year, on my birthday, she took me for an afternoon movie (Look Who's Talking), and I remember when she dropped me off at home, she said to my mom, "I'm glad Melissa knew all about the birds and the bees before seeing that!". I was thinking, "Birds and the bees??? What's that?!" I wasn't nearly as educated as she perceived! 

Christmas morning when I was twelve. I'm not sure what I was sharing with her. 

I always wanted to keep her informed of all the goings-on in my world.

As I entered my teen and college years, I saw her a little less; I guess that's typical of the age. I did try to keep in touch through regular phone calls, and she was a great letter writer and card sender. Anytime I was in Greensboro, most often for orthodontic appointments, HA!, we'd always take time to pop by her children's clothing store, Mother Goose, for a quick hug and hello. 

There were times, as I transitioned into adulthood, that we did not see eye-to-eye on certain issues. She was never one to hold back her opinions, and she let me know when she thought I was wrong or had acted poorly. Even though I rarely came around to see things as she did, I had a respect for her and knew that her intentions were always in the right place. Though harsh words (or harshly typed words) were exchanged between us more than once, I am happy to say that we always worked through those differences of opinion and retained a strong relationship. 

Despite being older in terms years, Grandma Margie was on top of modern online communication. After she retired from the Mother Goose shop, she quickly set up an email account and used it to stay in touch with her family. Then, when she began hearing her grandchildren talking about FaceBook, she set up a page of her own and was always in the know as to what everyone was doing. Most impressively, after her PC that she had used for several years finally crashed, she learned to use a Mac and even mastered an iPad! Now, when I make FaceBook posts, I am instantly reminded that she won't be seeing them. She was a constant supporter of my blog and applauded my expression though writing. 

Here's one thing I know for sure: my Grandma Margie was proud of the woman I have become {or, more accurately, am still becoming!}. I know that because she told me, in specific ways, that she was so proud of how I'm living me life. She complimented me on 'the order' I've done things: college, graduate school, marriage, babies.

Grandma's 80th Birthday. 

Surrounded by children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.

Grandma holding my firstborn.

She offered encouragement that I am doing a good job as a mom, even during those time when I feel like I'm completely failing. She once told me that she thought my generation, as a whole, has got this parenting thing down better than any previous generation.

Grandma, Cousin Roxie, a camera shy Carter, and me 

on the day I told her I was expecting a second child.

A gathering of a few grand and great-grand girls at her condo in 2011.

She loved these times. Wish we'd included her in this picture.

She noticed a picture of my Murphy (while browsing FaceBook, of course!) wearing a long blonde wig to preschool and told me that she was so proud of me letting her express herself in that way. She went on to say that she didn't think she would have been comfortable enough to do the same back when she was a young mother. 

One evening when I was visiting North Carolina during the time we lived in Colorado, I visited her without my girls. I took her on a drive to Fresh Market, she really wanted to try kale, and spent an evening just chatting with her. She loved telling stories of her childhood, previous generations, and her beloved Greensboro. She was well-read and always up for talking about old favorite books or her intriguing new releases. That night she became one of the first people who knew that we were planning to move our family back to Charlotte. Little Wright was cooking at that time, too, but I kept that under my hat that night. 

From early on, she described my Wright as an 'old soul' with deep eyes.

I totally knew what she meant as I saw my tiny one in that same way.

Snuggling my two littlest girls.

She always loved seeing babies in smocking, so I'd oblige for our visits.

Just before Wright turned one, Grandma Margie was hospitalized with a back injury. I drove from Charlotte and spent two nights staying with her in the hospital. I helped interpret what the medical professionals were telling her and reassured her that their treatment plans were in her best interest. {She was a skeptical gal, by nature.} She never lived alone again after that hospitalization. With some trepidation, she agreed to move into an assisted living facility. She'd didn't immediately embrace this change, but she made the best of it and decorated her room with as much taste and class as she'd always done. Eventually she became the queen bee and social butterfly of High Point Place.

Sweet Wright took some of her very first steps in Grandma Margie's new home.

Fall 2014.

The goofiest of girlies with their Great-Grandma Margie.

Generational love.

We visited her three or four times in the last year, but the photos above are the last ones I have of her. It was not easy to visit her in a small space with three wild and crazy girls in tow. I hate to admit that the difficulty of managing it all kept me from visiting as often as I should have or would like to have. My last visit was on Labor Day this year. It was a belated birthday visit since she had other social engagements when I'd tried to visit closer to her birthday. HA! 

I took Murphy and Wright with me, and we spent several hours of the afternoon with her. The girls played on the floor with blocks (which is what she'd asked for as her own birthday gift!) while she and I chatted. Moments after we were settled in her room, she became very emotional talking about all sorts of things past and present. I simply listened. The following week, she sent me an email apologizing for being 'gloomy'. She told me she was feeling extremely lonely, and I SO understood and saw no apology necessary. I could completely relate to the feeling of being surrounded by people, yet feeling utterly alone - just yearning for the company of someone who really knows you gets you. It was as if when she was with me, she felt such a comfort level that that level of emotional release was inevitable. I understood. And I was so thankful that I had been there. 

We went on to talk about my girls and each of their unique interests. Murphy told Grandma that she loves makeup and fashion and plans to attend NYU. Grandma was pleased to hear how much Carter loves reading and is continuing her acting classes. She told me how proud she was that I strive to recognize and celebrate each of my girls' different personalities and strengths. 

Grandma and I chatted about our thoughts on the current crop of presidential candidates: she liked Carson but knew he lacked necessary experience and saw Trump as a joke. {I agreed with her on both points.} We talked about books, and the following week, I mailed her my copy of The Girl on the Train which she was anxious to read. I was feeling nauseous during the entire visit but didn't tell Grandma Margie that we were expecting another child. I was still wrestling with conflicting feelings myself and wasn't ready to discuss it. I had no idea that when I hugged her goodbye that day, it would be less than two weeks that I would be holding her hand as her physical body slipped from this world. 

I will never forget what her hands felt like that night.

On September 25, surrounded by much of her family, Grandma Margie passed away at the young age of 87. I was not ready for this final goodbye, but, I guess, is anyone ever? A couple of hours before she died, I did get the chance to tell her that she'd be getting another little great grandchild. I'd like to think she heard me. At just after 11:00 pm that night, I watched her breathe her very final breath, keenly aware in that moment that it would be her last. I wept for her on the rainy, late night drive back to Charlotte as I have many times since.

I was not prepared for the unbelievable grief that my Carter would feel. Before I'd left home to head to the hospital the night before, she'd said, "I hope Grandma Margie doesn't have cancer or something awful." That, cancer or some illness, was the worst thing she could imagine. Death was not even a possibility to her seven year old conscious. She wept, wept when I told her the news the next morning. I don't think a day has passed that at least one of my girls hasn't mentioned Grandma Margie. They like to wonder what she may be doing in heaven and what her new body looks like. Murphy imagines she having all day feasts! Their sweet questions and innocence are healing for me. 

I know that death is a real part of life, yet when it happens, it's still so hard to grasp its reality. Yesterday, after that rainy drive, I joined our family as we gathered again to spread her ashes in a lovely arboretum in Greensboro. I sprinkled most of mine over a 'fairy village' (mushrooms) in honor of her creative, fairy-loving great-granddaughters. Grandma Margie's impact on my life, and on that of my daughters,  cannot be overstated. I adored her, even in the hard times, and will strive to live in a way that will continue to make her proud. She always signed things, 'Bushels of Love'; I hope she knew, really knew that my love for her was just as great as hers for me. Beyond bushels.