Can I tell you a little secret? Before you were born, Mommy and Daddy weren't sure if we wanted to have a third child. I even said to myself (and to a few trusted friends!), 'We have two wonderful, yet uniquely different, little girls. I can't picture what having a third child, potentially a third girl, could add?' As I look at you, my beautiful nine month old baby girl, I simply cannot imagine life without you. Really, I can't even comprehend that our family was a family before you joined us. You, my Precious Angel, have completed us.
Our first interaction with each other in the outside world, was your first sleepy nursing session after you were born. I remember you being so tiny that it felt like I was holding a little doll's head in the palm of my hand as you ate. Those first few days were challenging -- for me, I mean. You, My Dear, were a champion eater from the get-go! Upon seeing one of Mommy's battle wounds, Daddy even commented that if men had to breastfeed then all babies would take bottles! But we got through it, you and I, and we settled in at home to begin our journey together.
The beginning of our love story.
Our home in your early weeks was not what I would describe as calm; your two big sisters made sure that having a new baby in the house would in no way hinder their rambunctious activity. So, Mommy began to see our nursing sessions (though still quite painful for me for the first few weeks) as peaceful moments in the midst of our crazy days. Even in the middle of the night when I would hear your little squeak (never a cry) coming from the Moses basket, I was happy to scoop you up for eating and snuggling. Sometimes, I would let you fall asleep on my chest for a couple of hours before the big girls were ready to start their day. The soft brushing of your little peach fuzzed head against my cheek is a feeling I'll never forget.
Sunday afternoon nap for us both.
Week by week, nursing got easier for Mommy, and with the physical ease came an even greater opportunity for our bonding. By Christmas you were staying awake more and more, and when your sweet gaze met mine during feedings, my heart crumbled into a million pieces.
A break from eating to flirt with Mommy.
Because having three kiddos is a lot of work, nursing was pretty much the only time during the day that Mommy actually sat down. And, because you were always such a perfect baby, who was content just watching all the goings-on around you, this was also pretty much the only time I really held you. We would often be joined on the sofa by Carter or Murphy who'd be 'feeding' their babies -- or, more than once, trying to feed you!
Murphy Girl playing Mommy.
As you got older, you'd become more active and distracted while you were eating. If Daddy was around, you were quick to make a head turn in his direction, flash him your million dollar grin, and then get back to the business of eating. You nursed well through sickness and on airplanes, yet you were still willing to take an occasional bottle if Mommy needed to be away during your feeding time.For the past several months Mommy has been having some problems with recurring infections, and, to keep you healthy, your doctor has strongly encouraged me to make a transition to baby formula and bottles. Mommy has always been of the opinion that nursing ends whenever either party is ready for it to be over. I don't think that either you or I are ready, but the end is here nonetheless.
You and I have been on remarkable journey together, a journey that is coming to an end a little sooner than either of us expected. I will miss the sweet little growling sound you make when you are dozing off at feeding time.
Sleepy sweetheart.
I'll miss the way you twirl my necklace in your long fingers and the way you outline my lips and teeth with those fingers. I will miss our lingering gazes; when I look into your eyes, I feel like I've known you forever.
Full belly. Happy baby.
Your sweet eyes stared right at me.
I could almost hear you saying, 'Don't cry, Mommy.'
Thank you for allowing me to be your Mommy. Thank you traveling this journey with me. Forgive me for having to end it sooner than either of us would like. Know that I did my absolute best for you and always will.I love you more than words can express,
Mommy