Chaos & Connections

Sitting down to type this evening feels like coming up for air (for full disclosure, I must admit that I'm not exactly sure what coming up for air feels like. I am not a strong swimmer. I mean, I'm not going to sink if I jump into the deep end, but I'm also not swimming laps underwater.) So, while I've never experienced the literal coming up for air feeling, I am pretty certain it feels exactly like I feel at this moment.

{Holy. Moly. I'm. So. Scattered.}

Lately, I've let the chaos of life get the best of me. I've been sinking in toys and laundry and whining and tattling. I've been drowning in self-expectations and schedules and mastitis and Mommy-guilt. I'm finding that despite the number of items I check off my to-do list each day, it still seems to grow longer and longer. I've been quick to anger and short on patience. I've needed an extra helping of grace yet have struggled at doling out even small amounts to those I love the most. 

In the midst of this season, I happened upon a blog post entitled Dear Mom on the iPhone (I am purposefully not including the link.) It was written in the form of a letter to a hypothetical mom who was on her phone while her kids played at the park, trying to get her attention. Initially, I thought it was a good read, something to consider. The premise of the blog being that we, moms, miss so many little moments with our children when we're distracted - whether by an iPhone or a computer or any other distraction, really. The ideas from the blog have come to my mind several times throughout the last month, and the more I thought about what the writer said, the more I began to disagree.

As a full time Mommy to three young children, rarely does a day pass without some well intending person with older children reminding me of how quickly these days will pass. 'You'll blink!' they say. 

I know they're right. I get it. Really. I do. 

My firstborn is starting kindergarten in the fall, and it does feel like just yesterday that I was laying my eyes on her precious face for the first time. Murphy Girl went from being my baby to a bonafide big sister, and the Itty Bitty (who I still refer to as a newborn!) is over halfway towards the one year mark. 

But here's the thing, despite the fact that these years with our young family will indeed fly by, the hours, most definitely, do not. So, if I've loaded up the stroller with snacks and diapers and dolls and sippies, headed to the park, and started the girls at building their latest sand masterpiece, I will not feel Mommy-guilt if I pull out my phone. Why? Because a quick text to a friend, a post to FaceBook, a scroll through Instagram, or a glance at CNN {or, let's be honest, RadarOnline}can do wonders to help me feel connected.

While I wouldn't trade my job as a stay at home Mommy for anything, it can be an isolating existence. Behind the walls of our house, it's just me and the mini monarchs, and I must make a concerted effort to be connected to something, to anything, in the adult world. Otherwise, I find myself morphing into a Mommy-sized version of a preschooler. 

I find myself adopting their preferences

their ways

their language.

{Imagine life in a sorority house or within a high-school clique, except my sisters are all under the age of five.}

Of course, I'm not suggesting that we should park our booties on the sofa and avoid all interaction with our children, but I just don't think my girls will suffer if I miss one cartwheel. In fact, I think teaching children to play independently is a good thing. I would love to help my girls to develop an internal sense of pride rather than always seeking external (Look at me!) validation. 

I am intentional in keeping my phone in my purse (and out of my hands!) most of the time - especially during family meals. I am conscious of not looking down at it when the girls are trying to talk to me. I don't want my voice to say, I'm listening, but my non-verbals to portray something different. And, more than once, I've reminded myself that whatever is happening in social media land is not important in comparison to what's happening in the moment.

As I'm trying to find balance and control and peace and calm, I find myself craving connections more than most anything. I'm grateful for girlfriends (especially those who always text right back) and for the technology that allows me to connect with friends across the country and watch their babies grow. I'm grateful for a quick check-in with my hubby and for minute to peek at an online article on Gwyneth Paltrow's workout routine (2 hours a day? uh. yea.) 

And, I'm thankful for this.

{Breathe.}